’t’wer on ’is Blackburn allotment
while working with hoe an’t rake,
came on a great big serpent
that some folks now call a snake.
He knew that something wasn’t reet
amongst greens an’t curly kale,
t’wer nearly all of seventeen feet
from fangs to tip o’ ’is tail!
He weren’t going to argue with Python,
saying “reckon police knows best,
how to handle this ’ere Leviathan
asleep in’t ’is chickens nest”!
Up came policeman in’t van
saying “what’s all this ballyhoo”,
“yon snake has eaten our bantam”,
said copper, “there’s nowt I can do”.
“I’ve seen some snakes in my time
but this is taking it too far,
when I were int army front line
I saw things that were bizarre”!
“Why can’t thee slit is stummick
and take out my bantam an veg”,
said copper, “I’ll tell ye summit,
it’s to do with Safety and Regs”!
The gardener got all bothered and cross
an’t snake was twitchy an’t vexed,
said copper, “I’ll have word with boss,
I’ll just go send him a Text”!
But boss wer’ of the old school
who’d felt many a collar in his day,
saying to ’is ‘officer’, don’t be a fool,
just phone up the RSPCA”!
They coiled up Python and took ’im away
with eyes all glittering bright
said copper, “I must get his DNA,
and then post ’im on’t website”.
-
- Note: To be read in Lancashire dialect in the manner of the late Stanley Holloway of monologue fame and other roles. The incident was widely published in the Press of somebody off loading a python that became overgrown and was dumped on an allotment.
