Days 9-12 It’s Tuesday morning, Day 9, and I’ve just offloaded a bundle of grumpy teenage hormones with arms and legs, at the school gates. Brian’s session yesterday has left me in a bit of a heap this morning, so I’m sitting in the car outside the gym feeling completely sorry for myself and contemplating a Whatsapp message to Mary to say I’ve been knocked down or something. But I know I’m not gonna get the ass I want by sitting on it, so out I get and drag my still-flabby-cheeked ass up the stairs to greet today’s trainer Wayne (rhymes with pain!!) with a big enthusiastic smile! Actually I have to ask, where do they find these lads? They’re all so easy on the eye, extremely friendly and so encouraging! BUT they’re tough trainers and they demand you push yourself to your greatest ability…
Wayne: “So how are you feeling today Dawn?”
Me: “Um, well the only part of me that isn’t sore right now is my legs”
Wayne: “Great, well that’s what I’m here to fix today, legs day!! Lets go girl, hit the mats”
See why I didn’t rhyme him with Spain or Vein!! 20 minutes later, legs burning and a string of profanities escaping my mouth and suddenly I get “The Spinnies”. My head is stuck in the shoulder press, I’m mid squat, looking super attractive I’m sure, and I’m convinced I’m going to buckle, but then I remember Mary telling me about this and how it means my body is working hard at burning fat and up I get with a fairly big roar and the song “Burn Baby Burn” blasting in my head!! I am Super-Workout-Goddess now and I can get through this!! Holding the handrail as you leave the gym on leg-day is probably the most life-saving advice I’ve ever been given. I try and walk to my car with as much dignity as I can muster but I’m sure I look like I’ve just left the pub downstairs and I’m now doing the walk of shame home at 9.30am…..
After work I stop at the supermarket to stock up on all things saintly, I’m starting to find the food a bit tedious but I’m still in Goddess-mode so I’m not letting any negative thoughts in. I meet two people I know and both of them want to talk about my blog and my journey and I know they’re taking little peeps into my basket to make sure I’m still on track, and I feel like a bit of a celeb to be honest, but nothing would prepare me for what is about to happen next. I’m packing the saintly stuff into my bag when this happens
Checkout Girl: Do you have a Dunnes Ca….OH! Are you the girl from the blog??”
Me (stunned): Um, ah yes that’s me….
Checkout Girl: Oh My God, you’re hilarious!! Me and my mam LOVE your blog, when’s the next chapter?
Me(stunned): Oh ah, thanks haha, well I’m glad you like it, oh I’ll update you at the weekend..
Checkout Girl (Laughing loudly): There’s class new shiny lycra stuff just in upstairs you should go have a look!
Me: Oh Ok, thanks! (Exits store with sunglasses on in case of paparazzi)
Day 10, I’m standing at the bottom of the stairs at work and wondering how the fuck I’m going to get to the top (Damn you Wayne!!). I begin the climb and I really am trying so hard not to groan, I’m getting to the point where even I feel the urge to throw myself back down the stairs for making such a big deal of it! Losing weight is hard lads, but being overweight is hard too…I guess I have to pick my hard! I don’t even want to eat today, I’m feeling a bit fed up of the 12-day food choices when suddenly I remember…a grapefruit!! She said I could have a grapefruit on a bad day!! And just now I feel like Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music, spinning around the swiss mountains and singing about something or other, well that’s me, singing about a grapefruit…who the hell is this bat-shit crazy person!!
I’m desperately trying to shake things up in the kitchen so I decide to try and make the homemade burgers with streaky bacon, emmental cheese & salad. This requires 10 whatsapp messages to Mary until she convinced me I was doing it correctly! Fionnán took one look at my plate and said “You can eat all that fatty food but you can’t have a banana?” Shut it hormone-head… Bath of epsom salts again, the poor smelly dog is barred from the bath until this is over, and an early night…
Day 11, It’s Thurday morning and my last gym session of the week (thank fuck because I’ve run out of clean lycra by now!) and Brian greets me with a big smile and a determined look that makes me shiver.. It’s arms & shoulders today and after my core work is complete he puts me under the shoulder press and begins his reign of terror! I lift and I push and I pull and I cry a little and he proudly tells me that I have doubled my weights since last week, and I weakly high-five him.. onto triceps now and I swear to baby Jesus, if he says “Come on Dawn, one more” once more I will ground him (he’s young enough to be afraid of this threat)! But doing one more after one more is easier than shouting at him, so I keep going and before I know it I’ve doubled my reps since last week!! (My god, I even sound like a weight lifter now!) It’s a proud moment and as he hi-fives me again I whimper in pain.
I am so mangled after that workout, I think I’ve lost my speech (anyone who knows me knows this is not a regular occurrence), and I’m a bit stupefied, so I’m standing at the desk with Brian when in walks this gentleman with a briefcase, he walks right up to me and shakes my weak sweaty hand and this conversation happens:
Gentleman: “Daniel, Hello”
Me (assuming he’s a sales rep): “Oh um, I think it’s Brian you’re looking for, I don’t work here (talking too fast now) I can understand why you would think I do after that work out hahaha but I dont”
Brian: “No Dawn, this is Daniel our MD”
Daniel (looking at me like I have a mental issue): “You could work here Dawn, you’ve been working really hard!”
Me (fucking mortified): “Ooooh, ummm (omg has he read my blog, does he think I’m actually crazy) Hi Daniel, sorry about that, its Brians fault, he worked me too hard hahahahabye..
Keto-brain, you and me are going to fall out…
Day 12, it’s Friday and it’s a big day for me! Today is the final day of the initial 12-day programme. Later Mary will measure my inch loss, my body fat and my weight loss. The average weight loss from this programme is 7.5lbs but as always the *whispers Men-o-pause has me a little worried about results on the scales. Inch loss is what’s most important to me now.
But first of all I have to do some baking with the princess and her equally princessy friend as promised, so off we go to the supermarket again, and pile up a basket with all things sweet and sugary (please don’t let me meet Mary right now she’d faint!) and the Great Oranmore Bake-Off begins. Cookies in the oven and I swear to god the smell isn’t even getting to me! Cupcakes next, right I can do this, no little fairycake is gonna beat me!!
Buns in the oven, and we are getting the frosting and toppings all prepared, we’re all delighted with ourselves that we haven’t burned anything and we haven’t fallen out yet, so we get carried away with the happiness and dig our fingers into the frosting and put a big lump of it into our gobs. Yes I just fucking did. Still oblivious to the giant-sized-fuck-up I just made I say “gosh girls, this is really really sweet, like sickeningly swe….ET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!”, Now of course the girls have no idea that I’ve just thrown myself out of ketosis and set myself back a couple of days for FUCKING FROSTING!! Not even wine!!! Oh My God!! I have to leave the room, and the house, and let a big roar out the back….now the dog is barking, I forgot to take the buns out so I run, grab and burn my finger, the girls are pissing themselves laughing at me…where the hell is Julie Andrews now!!
Ok, so I’telling Mary now and she’s trying so hard not to laugh at me, she tells me to forget about it and reassures me that I’ll be ok in a day or two! Then we discuss my diet for the next week (we take it week by week from here) Now all I really want to know is can I have vodka yet, and as she begins talking about breakfast I’m wondering when it might be appropriate to slip in this burning question! So mid lunch-plan and out it slips, “What about vodka Mary”, “No Dawn”, “Even with water and no lime?” “Only if you absolutely have to for now Dawn”, feeling slightly piss-heady I leave it at that.
Then she tells me to hop on the scales. Eyes closed and belly sucked in (I’ll never change) and next thing I hear her gasp and I open my eyes and Sweet Baby Jesus she is telling me that I’ve lost another 4.5 lbs, bringing my total 12-day loss to 11.5lbs!! Were jumping around the place with joy, I think Mary is going to burst with happiness for me, she truly is so amazing at what she does! So begins the measuring and pinching and with every measurement, I swear she is getting more and more ecstatic! 2 inches off my belly, 2 off my waist, one off each arm, one of each leg, 2 off my boobs…lads, 14inches lost in 12 days!! Mary reckons this is a record, and I am so proud, a little overwhelmed and to be honest kind of emotional!
It’s been an unreal journey so far, I have never felt so minded and looked after as I do by the team at Educo, they celebrate the highs and pick me up from the lows. Well, them and all of you. Whenever I struggle, I actually go to facebook to read your comments and I feel that I can do this, I have to do this, for me..
I feel healthier and happier and soon, I know I will begin to feel the difference in my clothes, and then people will begin to notice the difference. In fact I think the dog already has, he doesn’t look half as comfy sprawled across my belly tonight!
Thank you all for joining me on the rollercoaster of a journey, I do hope you’re enjoying the blog! Xxm